How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
