I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh god it's open bar.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
