We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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