My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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