So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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