At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
