I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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