Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
