I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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