You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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