It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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