you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
