Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
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I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
This house was built for laser tag.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
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Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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