i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
