One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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