omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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