For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
