i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
