Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
