MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
