One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
