oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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