Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
