I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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