Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
