any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
