I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
