Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
