i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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