I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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