I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
