nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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