Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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