watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
