so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
