My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
