would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
