Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
