so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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