the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
