I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Drunk is not a location!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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