on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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