I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
