I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
