How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
