Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
