also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You're like the curious george of whores
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
