Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
