dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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