I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
