He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
