I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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