What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
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i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
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I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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