That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
