I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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