the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
