My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
