She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
