I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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