I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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