i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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